Imagine
Posted by mansoor on 25 Jan 2007 | Tagged as: heart 2 heart, wednesday wanderings
I sometimes imagine what my would would’ve been like if i hadn’t met her. If i hadn’t given so much time of my life [the best years?] to being attached to just her.
Had i been better off? Or worse then now?
I recall all the good she did in me. I cant seem to recall much of the good she did for me.. but then, i was selfish. I just wanted everything to be about her. I never gave time to what i wanted… living on scraps of good will i got from her, lapping it up thinking i was extremely lucky to be with her..
She’s not the typical bitch you read about, leading guys on, getting their own agenda fulfilled and using the guy as much as they could… I wasnt one of the typical nerds, falling victim to the first girl who gave me a minute of her time.
And yet, the story sounds like that when you hear it from a third persons perspective…
I imagine how we would’ve been, had i not heard a “no” everytime i suggested something… everytime i wanted something.
Can i sit with you?
No!! Loag kya kahein gay… thore dur bheto, we can still talk.
Can we go out to lunch?
No!! Someone might see us!
Will you accept this birthday gift from me?
No!! Mein apne ammi ko kya bataon gee kiss nay dya hai?
(this was after we had been going out for almost 2 years, her first birthday i was broke)
And it continued… and continued…
She did concede a couple of times…. accepted a few things from me (but only when a bunch of other people also gave her stuff the same day),
and we went out a few times…. i say we went out just 15 times in 5 years… she said we out for FIFTEEN TIMES!
And still, I couldn’t bear to leave her… couldn’t handle that she would be sad because of me… i was called a ‘thurkee’ for being under her spell… after every phadda we had, i’d be the one begging her to forgive me (usually it was my fault, cuz i flew off the handle, but even in cases where i was justifed in flying off), i lost my cool, i lost most of my reputation, my friends, 5 years of my life…
Yeah… i do imagine….
what would life be like without all these demons in my head!?
Im sorry… i had to leave! There was nothing left, and i dont really want to get more mentally deranged than i already am…. Good bye!
*this entry is also part of the blogwords on wednesday wandereres*
yaad e maazi azab hai yarab
cheen le mujh se too hafza mera
Wow you are lucky. When I get divorced , I lost all the money I had spent on my wife
…. It hurts that you spend so much on one and in end she just walks off :-). Honestly I think you are lucky that you just came out heart broken and be assured that you could always get second love but not the money which you had spent on your ex.
Hey Man,
If it makes you feel better at one point in time I too was at the recieving end of this relationship crap at one point in time - The regret where ppl you call your friends and the person you think you love, nomatter what they always back out on you and you never get really get over it.
Mansoor why in the fill-in-the-blank world can’t you just move on?
Why?
sid: gladly would give it up
pph: hhhmm… measuring relationships in terms of money you loose? No wonder you got divorced man! Sorry 2 say that…
hw: we all are.. and we all will be.. but i would gladly go through it again, if only the ‘no’ wasn’t there so much
fq: move on?? is that even an option? are you sure?
look at the bright side. you have some idea of the complexities of a business transaction between two related parties.
i know what you’re thinking, “say what?”
see? i’m psychic!
(i’m also insensitive but humour is the only way to achieve a solution to the kashmir problem. and other problems besides.)
*pretends not to have read this post and recalled her own past*
xill: lol man! how do you about acquiring that insesitivity buddy? i think i may need some now
ud: the story remains the same.. only the characters differ…
i got a lil emotional reading this…uff! moving on realli is a must..but having taken 5 yrs of ur life..how can moving on be an option.
@ xill~ ur so insensitive!!
oo nd whatz the deal with the layout change? the floraly garden path symbolises a new road, a new beginning??
Mansoor Kid, you are too young for all these relationships. Being cheated is much better than being used. She divorced me, I cant go back and change but I spend so much money and that was certainly in my hand. At the end, you measure what you gain and you lose. To date, I have a loan of more than 50 Lacs Pakisatni Rs. And when I look around then I see I could easily find love to replace but no one would give me 50 Lacs. Don’t you agree ?? Love is totally replacable because it is just “more” acquiattance + used to factor. Go out, f*ck some other gal and in two nights, you would move on. When I was in Karachi, Carleton hotel had very good gals. Check it out
@ poo poo head~ agreed with u on KMB the other day..magar this view you hold is your own view..uff nd personally its so wrong. how can u replace a love? y wud sum1 give u 50 lacs?? u don’t ‘measure’ money against ‘love’ unless ur cold and heartless. now i hope sum1 else reads this and comments bak!
well the question is that whether that was a “love” or just infatuation? It’s not that easy to make difference between two. I remmeber I “fell in love” when I was 15 and she was 14 or something and I waited for her for 9 long years that is I wasted my entire university life for her and didn’t see here and there. Att aht time I used to believe that I loved her[Infact i still feel so even I had gotten engaged with someone] but now I feel that I was being silly that I waited for someone who was not even told about my feelings. I couldn’t because you shouldn’t expect too much from a 15 years old kid. Now when I am going to be a 30 years old and has lost my fiance two years back, I feel comfortable as I have no regret about my past decisions because those decisions were taken on the basis of certain parameters rather emotional one. Yes love is replaceable and one could love with more than one person. These are just filmy stuff that “love happens once” etc. When you grow up and face real life then you realize that things are not so filmy as we imagine. Though I waited for someone for nine years ,got engaged with somenoe else but I am sill sure that I would be able to give 100% love and care to my future wife without disturbing her or our future by brining my past in the middle.
budz, u been a wonderful man, truly amazing having known u so closely and m sure there wud b this just perfect lady somwhere waiting to be taken away by u….
dude u trust me na??? i know it will happen, so forget the rest.
Mocha, how old are you ?? Ask any one who has been married would say that this love thing is a useless junk. Waste of time/energy/money. When you live with some one, you would end up in loving him. You need sincere people around you more than people who could love you.
Any how I know I am bitter due to my divorce and besides I do not see any nice gals around me who could change my perception again. Love is good but when it is gone I believe, you should move on and try to find new love. That’s simple. You could not measure love so how could you say that your second love would not be as good as first. Point is the human nature is very complex. You would always miss the ones you do not have. You would always miss the past time even it was not good.
Noor Jehan ki badi achi ghazal hay “Jo na milsaka wohi aaj tak mujhay yad hay” .
Live and learn my young friends.
iced: moving on….. its tuff, but has to be done
iced2: yes! i thought its time i take on a new begining
quite catching too isn’t it 
pph: carlton does… but im not in the habit of paying yaar.. atleast not yet.. gotta keep some sanity
and well, since u’ve already lost… be careful next time 
thats all i can say.. again, i would’ve gladly paid 
but then, im a hopeless romantic
adnan: welcome to the wonderful world of failed engagements :p i’ll just add you to the list of people i know with broken off engagements….
unaiza: thanks budd!
pph: the shair is good….. thanks for sharing man!
mansoor, I don’t know what you meant by “failed” engagment. Let me clear further that it was a combined decision, yes she did react initially and it’s quite natural but later she understood. The weird thing is that I didn’t feel much as I was expecting because I was 2000% willing to marry that lady[tho it was an arranged stuff] but maybe I had learnt a lesson from past or I had completed my quota of suffering 12 years back, whatever the reason is, I am thankful of Allah that He did help me on right timing and I didn’t feel it for long because religion did play a vital role to come out of illusion.
Today I don’t even miss my ex-fiance nor the lady which I could say my “first love”. The real life doesn’t allow you to wander and you are asked to focus on things which are necessary for your people rather for your own and offcourse thinking of a girl is not my priority anymore as Pooh said that a sincere partner is much helpful than just an emotional “loving partner” and I know my parents could do this job much better than me. Infact my ideal is my own mother now because the way she takes care of my dad and us is imaginary. Offcourse I wouldn’t like to repeat the mistakes which are done by my dad and my mother doesn’t even complain.
I often read blogs by young guys and girls who write/share/ day-to-day commentary about the thnigs they felt for their loveones and it gives me a laugh but then i can’t blame them as I was also like them when I was a young guy.
adnan: you talk from experience, we talk from emotion, eventually… we will turn into you, and others will take our place.
On a serious note though.. a couple of points i agree with you now wholeheartedly (from experience maybe?) are “my ideal is my own mother” and “a sincere partner is much helpful than just an emotional loving partner” and “I know my parents could do this job much better than me”
The cycle i talked about in the beginning is starting to complete.
Hmm the broken engagment(s) and broken hearts.I guess most of us can claim to have atleast one.Logic dictates, MOVE ON!!.Heart says ,NOt gona do that.
I read somewhere or heard that you fall in love once and then after that you will try to replace that love.You are so young so brace yourself and try not to fall in love with the ghost of your EX again.Unfortunately, thats very likely to happen.
So Good luck.
Dee
dee: “you fall in love once and then after that you will try to replace that love.” very thought provoking… but quite accurate. I’ve seen (and done) this on quite a few occasions.. comparing someone with an ex….