The Word of mAn[S]o0r

Three blogwords, all rolled into one.

The one thought which will forever haunt me is the description given by my dad of his cardiac arrest..

It starts with a pain in the chest, which doesn’t go away.. then your left arm starts to hurt, the pain rising in intensity till the body just cuts it off, after that, it goes numb, your breathing comes in short gasps, and your whole chest feels like its going to explode, there’s so much pressure there. Then it starts to cave in,  the rib cage forcing itself in so much, your fingers dissapear into the cleavage that has formed there.

Its all comes down to a matter of minutes.. proper care can mean the difference between life and death in that instant. my dad was lucky that my brother happened upon him collasped on the ja-namaz that night. Five more minutes and i cant even imagine what would’ve happened. God works in mysterious ways no doubt, and He is the only one who can give or take life. That’s one thing i’ve come to realize over past two weeks. May He have his mercy on all of us.

As for me, after my grandfather and father, im next in line…

and the only thing i can do is to pray to God to have mercy and make it easy on my family. Amen.

13 Comments »

when I wrote my last post with the title “words you should never have to hear”.. boy was I wrong.

Words you should never have to hear are from a doctor, performing an angioplasty on your father, who dashes out of the OT finds you and says….

“there have been some complications in the procedure, the angioplasty was a success but there’s some bleeding we can’t get under control. At this moment, we don’t know if he’ll even make it.. Please pray”

… before running off to get other specialists. that was twice in one week i’ve had to hear my father might not make it.. N both times it was devastating. A vein had collapsed under the blood thinner n other drugs, causing him to bleed internally. his blood pressure had dropped to 65/25.. His whole right leg was swollen, and they had to put incisions near his ankles to drain the excess blood out. He was immediately transfused with new blood.. two pints nonetheless. when i held his hand as they were taking him to the CCU, they were deathly cold! it took all i had to keep a reassuring smile on my face as they wheeled him out.
.
.
.
Six hours later, they managed to bring the bleeding under control. Something, which should’ve been over in 30 minutes went on for seven hours.. It was one of the most excrutiating times in my life. But at the end, it brought good tidings. He was stable again, bp was strong and ECG was normal.. His angioplasty had been a success with two arteries re-opened which were blocked 99 n 97% respectively.
.
.
.
And all through this, it was God and it was her who were my support.. Being the eldest, i had to be the pillar of support for the family, taking care of mom/dad, coordinating things, being the information source for the entire family, fielding their calls, everything. And in each moment, it was God who gave me inner strength and her who gave me the emotional to carry on and to not break down. She was there throughout, offering whatever she could, an listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, trying to cheer me up and yet keep me focused on what i had to do and keeping my spirits up, even through her own turmoils and hectic schedules. I know, no matter what/where/when or how i do it, i’ll never be able to properly thank her for being there for me.
.
.
.
Its now 20 hours past that hour. Dad is now eating, sleeping and talking normally. Thank God. If ever i doubted His presence.. I dont now. This past week, God has worked miracles around us, making us realize that truly no matter what we do, its in his hands afterall. And i’ve also realized.. Just how much i love my father.

14 Comments »

old readers of this blog would remember I hated to receive the dreaded phone call. (old readers raise their hands…. thought so.. anyway) the dreaded phone call used to come usually in the middle of the night, n had one response, ‘puhunch raha hoon’ followed by a mad car ride to PNS Shifa. You see, it was when one of the grand parents got too sick, n needed to be taken to the hospital.

yesterday, I got another call, this one being more sinister, more shattering and more nerve wrecking phone call of all….

“mansoor, beta tum jaldi say ajao..”

“what happened?” another fight?

“buss, ajao…. its… its… its ur dad!”

“what happened to dad?” thinking the worse, only to realize it wasn’t even close….

“he’s just had a heart attack! he’s in the hospital and the doctor is saying he might not make it through… buss ajao! jaldi”

I felt as if a train had just hit me.. n as the implications started settling in, it was as if it was still running over my body.. its tracks digging in to my body like there was no tomorrow….

“ill be there from the first flight I can get on.. don’t worry.. i’m coming!”

I got the call at 2:35 AM, by 4:50 AM I was on the PIA flight bound for Islamabad..

.
.
.
.

its now 22 hours after I got the call, my dad is right in front of me.. sleeping, breathing regularly. By Gods mercy, he’s pulled through. He’ll be here for another couple of days, but he’ll make it. Thanku God!

12 Comments »

When i drove past cafe coffee day earlier this year, i read their slogan and thought to myself “yea right!”. I mean, you see it all the time on TV shows, but the very fact that its on a TV show makes it kind of disjointed from reality. You see it, you wish for it, and get on with your life.

And then one day, just out of the blue, smack in the middle of one of the most difficult decisions you have ever had to make, it happens to you.

Days blur, mornings and nights have no difference anymore, its all just one big time.. (ofcourse, sleep deprivation plays a big role too :p) over coffees, movies and music you spend all your time, trying to be with each other, trying to out do each other, trying to out play each other, life as you know it comes to a standstill, yet life in its essence moves so fast you can hardly make sense of it at all much less try to control any of it, all you know is that you’re happy now.

She becomes the center, she becomes the universe itself, and at times you’re left wondering…

was it real?

The phone rings and it brings a smile to your face… its her… and time still hasn’t slowed down… days still haven’t come apart… and you still haven’t forgotten the taste of the coffee..

thats right people… a lot can happen over coffee (and sometimes, even more can happen over a movie).

19 Comments »

How do you learn the most effective and useful things in your life?

Through a classroom experience? Through someone taking the time out and guiding you through the process? or by jumping headfirst and learning on the job?

I guess, different people have different abilities to grasp knowledge, and while some will be more adept in picking up on theoretical concepts and applying them to their own settings in their heads, others would need concrete proof before accepting it as practical. The standard consultant answer to any question… “it depends”

and indeed it does. But my dilemma is, does it have to?

First lets understand what the term ‘learn’ actually means shall we? Wordnet @ princeton university defines it as to “gain knowledge and skills”. Now here is where the dilemma lies. All fingers are not equal, hence every teacher and/or mentor is not equal either. What you would eventually learn, either by teacher or mentor, is dependant largely on what they know in the first place. It is a widely known statistic in the education industry that one person can only pass on 80% of their knowledge off to other people, while many people have the abiltiy to learn or retain only 20% of what is taught to them. Hence how much does a person to have gain, in terms of knowledge or skills in order to ‘learn’?

Almost all of us go to different schools/colleges and universities, and everyone is expected to learn almost the same stuff. But why is it then that certain universities develop a reputation of a center of excellence? while others lag behind? I get varying answers on this issue from the different people i talk to, such as 1)not good faculty, 2) not good facilities or 3) not serious enough management. But seriously, does one need that to truly ‘learn’?

How many people graduating from intermediate nowadays even know the basics of chemistry? other than what they’ve been asked to rote-learn to clear their exams? I myself am guilty of that crime, passing through inter, opting not to study (read rote-learn) many sections just because they weren’t the ‘current favourites in the board exams’. So why go through that exercise at all? The same can be said about universities in our proud country, where free-thought is killed and rote-learning/paper filling is encouraged to quite some extent. Even the famed cambridge system couldn’t survive the nation of ‘high scorers / low learners’, with every other student getting multiple A’s, yet failing simple entrace exams.

My contention however, is that they do learn. Even if they fail exams they learn. Because learning (thankgod!) cannot be regulated by what is written in textbooks. They learn the soft skills of ‘dealing with life’.  Whether it be cajoling a grade out of a teacher, standing up to a bully or even being one, these are the lessons which make the character of a person, and make life worth living (or not).

So eventually, the answer becomes, you learn the most out of live by just plain living it. And nothing else. However, to prove that you ‘know your shit’ (so to speak)  you many need to go through countless years of education and certifications afterall. But as much as they can teach you, there is no equivalent to a real life experience.

11 Comments »

Got the idea from psyched’s blog. Even though i’ve been wanting to do this for quite sometime now, better late than never i always say!

Read my VisualDNAâ„¢ Get your own VisualDNAâ„¢

1 Comment »

When you think about it, and i mean really think about it, you are just wasting life thinking about it!

Confused? Dont be.. its simple.

“Life is what happens when we’re busy making other plans” - Someone i dont remember, so i’ll just say anonymous.

Also…. a picture is worth a thousand words.

*after missing out and trying to catch up with the wednesday wanderers, i’ve decided to skip a couple and just get back on*

Image Credit: Logic+Emotion Blog

4 Comments »

and you defer some, but you hardly ever loose some.

Know what i’m talking about? Cuz if you do, please let me know too.

In my life, there are not many things that i regret, some of which are those which i haven’t done. I haven’t gone bungee jumping yet! That’s something in the pipeline.. just need to get access to a very high tower… hhhmm….

One of the things i really regret was having severred connections to an old friend. Someone, who was the sister i never had. Why did i love her so much? So much so that i never felt romantically towards her, yet always had a strong urge to protect her.  It was simple, she reminded me that life wasn’t really a bunch of points you had to adhere to, that you could do wonders while not trying at all, and you could remain bubbly and cheerful even if your heart wasn’t in it. That it was sometimes, the best gift you could ever give to someone. From her i learned why it is usually required for a girl to be graceful, groomed, presentable and well mannered. And from her, i realized what it was like to actually have fun!

But it was a terrible time for me back then, being attacked from all fronts (home, university, friends, family and girlfriend). All supports which were supposed to keep me propped upright, facing the world were crumbling, and in the typical self destructive fashion i had led my life uptil then (and till more recently now), i lashed out at whatever supports i had left. She was one of them. I knew I was doing wrong, i knew i was going to regret it, but also i thought it might be the right thing. I thought up of all the reasons i could to make myself believe to the contrary, 1)it might be the best thing for her, 2)that she was being too dependant on me, 3)that she needs to setup her own life. Reasons i later realized, i had no part in the first place. I ended our friendship on a very terrible note, i became the very person i detested, i became the monster, the player, the fiend and the liar, all to make her hate me and leave me.

which she did.

And i’ve never been the same again.

So what prompted me to write this post now? Because after a long time, i saw her again this weekend, saw her laugh, all cheery and bubbly as always and I saw her dance. At that moment, i realized that she was happy again. She had friends and she had a future to look forward to. It was heart-warming, and gut-wrenching, all at the same time.

I miss her dance..  hell! i miss her!

and this, ladies and gentlemen, is the only thing in life that i ever regret! Never, ever, choose someone you love over your friend. Its the worst mistake you can ever make in your life.

10 Comments »

Lately, i’ve been bogged down with too much happening. So much so, that when i actually sit down to write, i cannot put them in words. What should i write about, which issue is more important, write one post, or write them in seperate posts…

The number of questions which surface are directly proportional to the amout of confusion running rampant in ones life. (I dont know if this was quoted elsewhere and google also didn’t come up with any results, so i expect to be quoted on it).

So today, i think i’ll start from the start of this month, and atleast try to write a summary of whats been going on. I’ll put it in bulleted points so its easily readable (I’m such a helpful soul, aren’t i).

1. I’ve been sick quite often, sick of work, sick of my room, sick of my city, and most importantly, sick medically.
2. I was admitted to PNS Rahat for four days while the docs ran tests to confirm what was wrong with me.
3. I’ve been diagnosed as having high blood pressure at age 25! Major lifestyle changes were obviously to follow.
4. I’ve started exercising and eating a bit more of the ‘healthy’ stuff.
5. I had a meeting in lahore, afterwhich i took an extended leave from the office and went to islamabad.
6. I celebrated my birthday in Murree! We stayed at this place called Punjab Hut, which is between murree and bhurban. Amazingly beautiful place.
7. While in Lahore, i got a job offer.. which was good seeing i needed a change of pace. It looked good, and after a lot of thinking, i accepted it. I start there from the 15th of June.
8. I now have to wrap up my life in karachi, and get a new one in lahore. Thankgod for a couple of friends there because of whom i can still relax a bit. Small things are left, like transporting my car to lhr, getting accomodation etc. No biggies.
9. When i came back to karachi, i expected my current boss to do either of two things, 1) up my salary or 2) bid me farewell. What he did, however, totally blew my mind and i’m again in the process of thinking. You see, not only did he propose to ‘up’ my salary, he’s giving me an opportunity of a lifetime! More on that later.
10. I’ve missed the deadlines for two applications i was preparing myself for the last couple of months because now, they just dont ‘feel right’ at this point. As usual, after the deadline passed, i’m filled with regret and self doubt.

There you! A 10 point summary of my life in the last month. Esentially, each and every point atleast deserves a post, while some deserve even more than one.. but oh well, such is the way the river must flow.

10 Comments »