The Word of mAn[S]o0r

sounds like something a person burned by someone close to them would say.

which isn’t entirely incorrect in my case.

i was happy… happier than i’ve been in a long time. so much so, that i was willing to do anything…but to quote meatloaf…  ‘i would do anything for love… but i wont do that‘. though i’m sure we (meatloaf and i) mean separate things, the jist would be the same.

people have one chance in their lifetime to find true love, their ’soul mates’, the one who would complete them. some do.. and some spend a lifetime searching and yet they dont find them.

then there are ones like myself… who not only find them, but manage to loose them because of who they are. what irony wouldn’t you say? a soulmate, a part of who you are, doesn’t want to be with you, cant even stand the thought of listening to you. i mean… seriously?!

this post might seem like self pity at this point, but i believe its a bit more. its the warrant i’ve signed for myself to a life of ‘non-existent’ in the love department…

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i think love is over-rated.

to those who’ve decided to move on with their lives, i have a toast! “to your future health, wealth and happiness! may i also have the mental acuity and the strength to follow”.

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you wake up one morning and the realization hits you…

“children on the road dont call you uncle just because you look older…. its because you are old!”

its been a roller coaster ride so far. i have to say i am the luckiest guy on this earth to have parents who would give so much to see their kids happy. and also the luckiest that i had the sense not to choose others over them.

this year, my birthday was again celebrated in murree, in what is quickly becoming tradition. a weekend of relaxation, hiking, fresh mountain air, breath taking views and sharp chilly wind was just what the doctor ordered! and it was totally worth the nausea to get up there (i have motion sickness…)

this year was supposed to be a good one, by the grace of God, it is pretty much still! give or take one incident which pretty much changed the course of life…

still, im glad it happened… the cracked magical mirror was actually telling the future… how could we have been so naive…

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Through the fingers of my hand have eons passed,
I spend my nights thinking of my love,
have angels passed, and even djinns slipped through,
And all my days dreaming of her too

I read this on a Bank Alfalah Calendar i received recently. The calendar is an ode to Saadeqain, one of the great artists of our country, and this verse comes alongside one of his paintings intended to bring the piece to life.

Even though i dont think about it too much, there are times when that feeling overwhelms me and threatens even my sanity. The quick, clean nature of the transaction did not help, if anything, it helped reinforce my reasons for staying away from commitments.

I hope that someday, i’ll get an answer from her… to whether being right and not giving in on one crucial subject was worth it.

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Day before yesterday, while watching an episode of House (i love that show!) a scene between wilson and his latest girl, amber, caused me to have an epiphany.

the dialogs exchanged were something of the following, after a major decision of purchasing a mattress, amber wanted the hard one while wilson wanted the soft one and just as they were coming to decision amber had to leave and told wilson to get whatever one he wanted. later that night, while ‘test driving’ their new mattress…

amber: “you got the one i wanted”

wilson: “yes, i did”

amber: “why?”

wilson: “what do you mean?”

amber: “i told you to get which ever one you wanted, i meant which ever one you wanted, not get what i wanted”

wilson: “so? i like doing this for you, i love you”

amber: “no, this is what you did with your previous wives, you keep on doing things for them and the resentment keeps building up inside you, till you end up in a divorce! i’ll be damned if this happened to me too”

and just like that i realized why so many of my relationships ended on the same note… i, like wilson, kept doing everything for the other person and around the other person, literally loosing myself in them. i kept building up this expectation in them that everything i would do would be for them without question. until i burst from having an unfulfilled expectation within me that they would do something for me… which is where the resentment would start to build up…

and after days, months or even years of resentment… the feelings of love and tenderness would turn cold and replaced with something very close to hatred…

… who said watching TV shows wasn’t therapeutic!

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… you discuss the emotional dependence of addicts with a 13 year old, and think that you are actually having an intelligent conversation!? especially when the poor girl is just looking blankly at you and nodding because its impolite to tell you that you are a jerk

So april has ended and that too on a very hectic note!

I had two trainings this month, one in Lahore and one in Islamabad. The good thing is, both of them happened successfully and we managed to scrape up enough participants to not go in the red! Even though lahore had three times the people we did here in isloo!

What that left me with, however, was exhaustion! The likes of which i have never felt before! By the time the training in lahore was over, i was feeling like someone had tied a 10 ton anvil to my ankles and forcing me to move around. On top of that, i had to catch a daewoo back home, and 4 hours of sitting awkwardly wasn’t much fun either.

To add insult to injury, or rather more injury to insult, I had bought new shoes for the Lahore course! which, being what new shoes are, left me with blisters! (I HATE NEW SHOES!!!). On both my feet, i’ve now got these big, liquid oozing bubbles which i keep on bursting and draining and which miraculously, keep on fixing themselves and re-inflating!

The next training was one day later, and this time, i didn’t wear the new shoes, but rather my trusty old ones. By the end of it, i knew i was way past being tired and exhausted and was now running on pure adrenaline.
So much so that on the drive back home, i almost crashed into the car in front of me (a cultus i believe) nearly 4 times! (he noticed and suffice it to say, gave me a really cold look when we parted ways)

Once home, i was looking forward to some shuteye as the parents were going out to dinner. After chatting with dad for sometime, i was about to pick up my things and head upstairs… when the hostess for the evening called and informed my father that the invitation was now “with family” and to please bring their son (the now adrenaline running poor old me) as well! Normally, i would’ve said no and gone to sleep, but this particular party was being held at….wait for it…. PIR SOHAWA! more specifically at the new Monal restaurant there! Now i knew there was no way i was going to pass up an opportunity to a) go to pir sohawa, since i hadn’t yet been up there.. and b) free food!!! so i picked myself up, changed and got in the car!

And that is where i had the discussion with the 13 year old, who just happened to be the daughter of our hostess!

And it was worth every word of it! till next time… cheers!

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