The Word of mAn[S]o0r

So recently, i was called up to give a seminar in which i didn’t think i did good, but my peers did. In a review by teeth maestro on KMB

After the captain it was Mansoor who took over the proceedings being
the designated presenter. His casual style of put everyone at ease
which made it easy for a number of ‘pro-bloggers’ to interject and give
a their own opinion on the item under discussion. Simply said I think
Mansoor did justice to the presentation

Good right? Yea, im trying to tell myself that too.

And now it seems im on a roll. yesterday, while nursing my flue i got a call from this teacher in Muhammad Ali Jinnah University, who had talked to my boss and booked me for a seminar for his students on Tuesday. According to him, he thought it would be good to ‘inform you since you’d have to come’.

Got to work this morning, spent time on making the presentation and at 2:30 headed off the seminar. It was my first attempt at standing in front of over 200 people and trying to not make them sleep through it. I fared pretty well, at least no one seemed asleep and i managed to get them to laugh a couple of times. Mental note, its not easy to make a room full of 200 people, who are not there out of free will, to laugh.

So here i am, sitting once again at work, nursing the flu complete with the runny nose, wondering just how the hell did i manage to get through that thing. I have a completed presentation and a flower bouquet to show for it, but still, it feels quite unreal.

And im beginning to wonder how well the biggest decision in my life is going…… which is another post.

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I’ve been off blogging again, as some may have noticed. Not that i have nothing to blog about, oh no.. quite on the contrary, i have had too much to blog about~!

And ofcourse, procrastination does reign supreme in life afterall.

But what got me to finally open up this page and write is this….

People are scary!

You read it right. People, the normal, day-to-day, run of the mill people you meet in normal life, are scary! I’ve grown up in a very sheltered environment, my parents shielding me away from any and everything bad about this world, the kind of childhood you read about in books. I grew up believing in the inherrent good of people. That underneath it all, there lies a good and loving soul within everyone. Circumstances just make them react differently and sometimes, in bad and horrible ways.

But its just a one time thing, right? Afterall, no one can be bad all their lives….. right?

This is what i believed in. And i refused to believe in anything to the contrary. Why should i? Everyone likes to talk about the bad in people, its like saying the good would somehow ‘hurt’ them and they shy away from it. Gossip sells more than the plain ordinary truth, and the more outrageous the story becomes, the more believable it is. So i gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t believe in the rumors and the gossips and the stereotypes and believed everyone to be innocent until proven guilty.

Over  the years, you amass a lot of stories of the lives of people around you. Taken one at a time, they sound like abberations, freakish phenomena in the normal routine of things and you treat them as such, filing them away in the back of your mind never to recall again.

Until you do! and one by one, they all spew forth like a burst dam and you realize… just how horribly screwed up the world really is. I’m not talking about the gossips and the tantalizing stories told by my fellow man. I’m talking of the ones which were told to me by the teary eyed victims of the horrible act. The friend who got beaten up by her fiance, the other one who had to abort her rape-child, the friend who almost got murdered in cold blood by his best friend, the wife who has to live with her gay husband and his lover while raising ‘their’ child, the girl who was abused for 6 years straight before her mother rescued her from her husband, and the girl who almost killed herself and her children twice because her husband left her.

You read about these stories in the newspaper or hear about them on TV all the time, but it doesn’t affect you. The stories listed above are from people i’ve known personally from time to time, and some told to me in the strictist confidence. I’ve many more, but they are too weird to even mention.

Its really a horribly cruel world out there… and i dont know who/what to believe anymore.

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No one told me,
I was going to find you

Unexpected, what you did to my heart.

When i’d lost hope, you were there to remind me..
This is the start!

At the Beginning - Richard Marx and Donna Lewis

I’ve heard this song many countless times over the years, ever since the movie Anastasia came out. I never realized what these lines really meant until last night. It was the night, when even the first impression was trumped! To a news which was going to bring apprehension, tension, lonely nights and long distances, a news which i was dreading to break, which i was considering out-dating even before it became real…. she triumphed!

First reaction was all it took..

First reaction is after all, what its all about. The hours of talking afterwards only served to reinforced it, but it was the first reaction which affirmed it, confirmed it. I’ve never been surer of anything else in my life as much as im sure now!

And life is a road and i wanna keep going,
Love is a river i wanna keep flowing.

Life is a road, now and forever, wonderful journey.

I’ll be there when the world stops turning,
I’ll be there when the storm is through.

In the end, i wanna be standing, at the beginning
with you!

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after over a month of continuous travels, im finally settling back down to life in karachi. Maybe not for much longer, who knows, but atleast here for the foreseeable future.

Now that i have had time to think, i realized i have still not gotten over the shock of my dad almost leaving us… In the past few days since i’ve come back to the city, i’ve been eating like a madman! Heavy breakfast, lunch and dinner, which numerous snacks in between. I couldn’t figure out why i was so hungry, till i remembered the last time i was eating so much! Its my body’s natural reaction towards stress. Some people cant sleep, others get hyper and start shouting… i eat!

It was when i watched Greys Anatomy night before last that i finally realized i still hadn’t recovered from the dad shock. In an episode where Meredith Grey almost drowned, she had to be brought into the surgery wing of the hospital where she worked, with the top surgeons trying to revive her from the grip of hypothermia. All this while her boyfriend and friends stood outside, praying.. hoping.. crying.. and yet not wanting to believe this could happen. As the one hour twenty minute double episode played out in front of me on the screen, quite a different storyline was playing in front of my eyes. I was once again transported back to those two times, when mom called, and when the doc asked us to pray because they dont know what is going to happen, to the hallways of that hospital, the CCU and Angiography ward, holding on to mom trying to soothe her, when all i wanted was to breakdown too, it was all playing right back!

And it was in that instant that i realized, i really hadn’t gotten over the shock yet, that it hasn’t really had time to sink in…

Right now, i know i have to move on from the incident. God has been very kind and dad is still here. Nothing is lost, a lot of life yet to live out under their guidance.. but i cant seem to warp out that fear yet. I cant talk to my family about it obviously, since i have to be the support, the pillar and what not, its hard…

… but atleast now, i dont have to go through it alone. I have her, the goofy smile she brings to my face and the support she’s become for me. If nothing else, she’ll make sure i pull through… *drifting off to sweet sweet memories…..*

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when I wrote my last post with the title “words you should never have to hear”.. boy was I wrong.

Words you should never have to hear are from a doctor, performing an angioplasty on your father, who dashes out of the OT finds you and says….

“there have been some complications in the procedure, the angioplasty was a success but there’s some bleeding we can’t get under control. At this moment, we don’t know if he’ll even make it.. Please pray”

… before running off to get other specialists. that was twice in one week i’ve had to hear my father might not make it.. N both times it was devastating. A vein had collapsed under the blood thinner n other drugs, causing him to bleed internally. his blood pressure had dropped to 65/25.. His whole right leg was swollen, and they had to put incisions near his ankles to drain the excess blood out. He was immediately transfused with new blood.. two pints nonetheless. when i held his hand as they were taking him to the CCU, they were deathly cold! it took all i had to keep a reassuring smile on my face as they wheeled him out.
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Six hours later, they managed to bring the bleeding under control. Something, which should’ve been over in 30 minutes went on for seven hours.. It was one of the most excrutiating times in my life. But at the end, it brought good tidings. He was stable again, bp was strong and ECG was normal.. His angioplasty had been a success with two arteries re-opened which were blocked 99 n 97% respectively.
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And all through this, it was God and it was her who were my support.. Being the eldest, i had to be the pillar of support for the family, taking care of mom/dad, coordinating things, being the information source for the entire family, fielding their calls, everything. And in each moment, it was God who gave me inner strength and her who gave me the emotional to carry on and to not break down. She was there throughout, offering whatever she could, an listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, trying to cheer me up and yet keep me focused on what i had to do and keeping my spirits up, even through her own turmoils and hectic schedules. I know, no matter what/where/when or how i do it, i’ll never be able to properly thank her for being there for me.
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Its now 20 hours past that hour. Dad is now eating, sleeping and talking normally. Thank God. If ever i doubted His presence.. I dont now. This past week, God has worked miracles around us, making us realize that truly no matter what we do, its in his hands afterall. And i’ve also realized.. Just how much i love my father.

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When i drove past cafe coffee day earlier this year, i read their slogan and thought to myself “yea right!”. I mean, you see it all the time on TV shows, but the very fact that its on a TV show makes it kind of disjointed from reality. You see it, you wish for it, and get on with your life.

And then one day, just out of the blue, smack in the middle of one of the most difficult decisions you have ever had to make, it happens to you.

Days blur, mornings and nights have no difference anymore, its all just one big time.. (ofcourse, sleep deprivation plays a big role too :p) over coffees, movies and music you spend all your time, trying to be with each other, trying to out do each other, trying to out play each other, life as you know it comes to a standstill, yet life in its essence moves so fast you can hardly make sense of it at all much less try to control any of it, all you know is that you’re happy now.

She becomes the center, she becomes the universe itself, and at times you’re left wondering…

was it real?

The phone rings and it brings a smile to your face… its her… and time still hasn’t slowed down… days still haven’t come apart… and you still haven’t forgotten the taste of the coffee..

thats right people… a lot can happen over coffee (and sometimes, even more can happen over a movie).

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and you defer some, but you hardly ever loose some.

Know what i’m talking about? Cuz if you do, please let me know too.

In my life, there are not many things that i regret, some of which are those which i haven’t done. I haven’t gone bungee jumping yet! That’s something in the pipeline.. just need to get access to a very high tower… hhhmm….

One of the things i really regret was having severred connections to an old friend. Someone, who was the sister i never had. Why did i love her so much? So much so that i never felt romantically towards her, yet always had a strong urge to protect her.  It was simple, she reminded me that life wasn’t really a bunch of points you had to adhere to, that you could do wonders while not trying at all, and you could remain bubbly and cheerful even if your heart wasn’t in it. That it was sometimes, the best gift you could ever give to someone. From her i learned why it is usually required for a girl to be graceful, groomed, presentable and well mannered. And from her, i realized what it was like to actually have fun!

But it was a terrible time for me back then, being attacked from all fronts (home, university, friends, family and girlfriend). All supports which were supposed to keep me propped upright, facing the world were crumbling, and in the typical self destructive fashion i had led my life uptil then (and till more recently now), i lashed out at whatever supports i had left. She was one of them. I knew I was doing wrong, i knew i was going to regret it, but also i thought it might be the right thing. I thought up of all the reasons i could to make myself believe to the contrary, 1)it might be the best thing for her, 2)that she was being too dependant on me, 3)that she needs to setup her own life. Reasons i later realized, i had no part in the first place. I ended our friendship on a very terrible note, i became the very person i detested, i became the monster, the player, the fiend and the liar, all to make her hate me and leave me.

which she did.

And i’ve never been the same again.

So what prompted me to write this post now? Because after a long time, i saw her again this weekend, saw her laugh, all cheery and bubbly as always and I saw her dance. At that moment, i realized that she was happy again. She had friends and she had a future to look forward to. It was heart-warming, and gut-wrenching, all at the same time.

I miss her dance..  hell! i miss her!

and this, ladies and gentlemen, is the only thing in life that i ever regret! Never, ever, choose someone you love over your friend. Its the worst mistake you can ever make in your life.

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you have been my inspiration
you have been my guide
you have been my reality check
and you have been my support.

Now matter where i go in the world, no matter in what success i get, i know you will always be there to guide me, to keep me above all else and to be the one loving caring person when everything will fail.

I love you mom! And i’m grateful for each and everyday i’ve ever gotten.

*a belated mothers day post as well as a belated wednesday wandering blogword*

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This ends (?) my sojourn away from the blogworld, while i tried figuring out some major changes in my life. 

I want so much out of life, and mashallah i’ve got so much, yet i want more, and i want different. Maybe i’m being ‘ahsan faramosh’, or basically just being confused but there is one thing i know, i’m not happy where/what i am anymore.

I’ve discovered new areas about myself, new avenues of my likes/dislikes and new conditions i’ve developed.

But right now what i’m smelling in the air is change.. its about to descend.. and its about to ruin the ‘comfort zone’ i’ve created in my life…

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On and off, goes life.

Every so often i come to a conclusion, i hate girls! They do things for no good reason, usually ripping out your innards till you haven’t even got a shell to show for it.

But then, (usually) shortly afterwards, i also realize… i just cant live without them either, that for every bitch out there there’s a kind hearted loving soul who you’d wanna make your own, to take care of and to love.

This time, it was short… the pain… but it was there… and so i was quiet…

It’s hell fighting on so many fronts at the same time! And trying to keep your sanity. You realize that you’re just making up most of the problems, most which aren’t even there.. just because.

Im not making sense here.. Time to go…

… back to reality

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