Archive for the 'wednesday wanderings' Category

inside

what is there inside a person?

what’s there inside me?

is it tangible? is it understandable? is it logical?

they say, the human mind is at best, incomprehendable. is it really? what gets me is how similar we all are, how you can almost predict to a T what each one of us going to do.. save a few minor details..

is that all there is to it then? minor details? little deviations to a largely established codebase?

then what really lies inside us? the answer eludes me…

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Imagine

I sometimes imagine what my would would’ve been like if i hadn’t met her. If i hadn’t given so much time of my life [the best years?] to being attached to just her.

Had i been better off? Or worse then now?

I recall all the good she did in me. I cant seem to recall much of the good she did for me.. but then, i was selfish. I just wanted everything to be about her. I never gave time to what i wanted… living on scraps of good will i got from her, lapping it up thinking i was extremely lucky to be with her..

She’s not the typical bitch you read about, leading guys on, getting their own agenda fulfilled and using the guy as much as they could… I wasnt one of the typical nerds, falling victim to the first girl who gave me a minute of her time.

And yet, the story sounds like that when you hear it from a third persons perspective…

I imagine how we would’ve been, had i not heard a “no” everytime i suggested something… everytime i wanted something.

Can i sit with you?
No!! Loag kya kahein gay… thore dur bheto, we can still talk.

Can we go out to lunch?
No!! Someone might see us!

Will you accept this birthday gift from me?
No!! Mein apne ammi ko kya bataon gee kiss nay dya hai?
(this was after we had been going out for almost 2 years, her first birthday i was broke)

And it continued… and continued…

She did concede a couple of times…. accepted a few things from me (but only when a bunch of other people also gave her stuff the same day),

and we went out a few times…. i say we went out just 15 times in 5 years… she said we out for FIFTEEN TIMES!

And still, I couldn’t bear to leave her… couldn’t handle that she would be sad because of me… i was called a ‘thurkee’ for being under her spell… after every phadda we had, i’d be the one begging her to forgive me (usually it was my fault, cuz i flew off the handle, but even in cases where i was justifed in flying off), i lost my cool, i lost most of my reputation, my friends, 5 years of my life…

Yeah… i do imagine….

what would life be like without all these demons in my head!?

Im sorry… i had to leave! There was nothing left, and i dont really want to get more mentally deranged than i already am…. Good bye!

*this entry is also part of the blogwords on wednesday wandereres*

20 Comments »

Be

Update: PsyhceD suggested i put this up as a tag, and i think thats a good idea :D list down what you wanted to become at different points in your life, till today. Come up with atleast 5 points. To start things off, i tag PsyhceD, IcedMocha, FalsaQueen, HerbWoman, Extiinct, Untamed-Desires, UTP, Tanzila, Xill, and anyone else who reads this.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

At 5 years
an air-force pilot, an astronaut, rich and like my dad (all individual choices)

At 10 years
narrowed down to an air-force pilot

At 14 years
a computer geek, since i developed eye problems and air-force was out. Also, got my first computer around this time.

At 16 years
an engineer, welcome matric and back then, it was either engineer or doctor

At 18 years
a computer programmer, “oh so thats what that blue screen program is for!!” reffering to turboC back at the school computer lab.

At 22 years
a Project Manager or Development Manager with a large IT firm, graduation done with.. future prospects looking bright.

At 24 years
to be over with studies *sigh*, when my masters thesis is still not completed!! Also, no more project management for me.. i started my career from Consulting.

So what would i wanna *be* now? The answer, thanfully, got simpler. I want to be what i am

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Write

Note: the following commentary leads to dark and mysterious reccesses of my mind, and may lead to depression or all out hatred for me as a person. Read at your own risk, i will not be responsible for any consequences made by anyone else other than myself.

For the last couple of days (weeks?) i’ve not been in the mood to write alot. To the point that even my poor blog was being neglected!! (now now! do not despair dear blog! u are very near n dear to my heart!)

What brought this on, you ask?

Darn if i know. All i do know is, the ‘rock n roll’ has been slowly taken out from life.. to be replaced with a dull, senseless humming sound.. the incessant humming which is slowly but surely driving me mad. I’ve started becoming mad a lot too. Go off at the slightest provocation.. Yesterday was about to tear off a co-workers head just cuz he said ‘jaanay kay lye ready hojaao’. I’m writing this because i still have enough senses not to carry out the weird ideas in my head (like bashing the guys’ head in with a sledgehammer!), but i dont know till when…

A couple weeks back, i was soaring through the air, as happy as anyone could ever imagine being. I was thankful for all that i had, thankful even for pain, for it made me feel alive… now, nothings changed, yet i’ve somehow lost the longing for happiness even. Im going through the motions of life, making sure that i dont starve to death or dont stay off work too late, fulfilling social obligations as little as i can. Most of the time, i prefer staying alone, locked up in my room, watching TV or a movie.. I’m starting to abhor physical contact with people, slowly and gradually cutting off all ties with friends and family.. apart from those i absolutely necessarily have to keep.

Damn! i need to get shock therapy! I wonder how much good does 220 volts would do?

*eyeing up an open electric socket*

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It takes time…

It takes time to carefully build up your house of cards
and no time for the wind to knock it down

This weeks blogthought entry, thought i’d start it up like a blogword…

Its like a never ending story, i build up something (a decision (yea, it takes time too), a friendship, a project) and in the end it gets knocked over and im standing back at square one thinking what the effin hell went wrong THIS time!

It takes time to heal… it takes time to start over…

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past

The end of the year is almost upon us. And i still hadnt gotten used to writing the date as 2006!

When i look back at what i did the whole year, i dont know whether to feel satisfied, envious, pissed off or just plain indifferent to my performance for the whole year. Let me explain.

The year started out with me sitting home alone, my parents and brother all off to attend this party or the other. But it was a good start. I just remembered, the year started out partying with cousins!! The first of many get togethers which would strenghten the bond between atleast three of us. Not a bad start. It was a night of football, garage tennis, long walks, pizza, coke and ras malai!

Next i ended my study semester at Bahria and turned a full time employee, while starting to think on what my thesis should be like. Incidentally, thats about the same time i started blogging over at blogger as well. Then the months just seemed to roll by until it was August (im sure things happened in between but for the life of me, i just cant remember what), and mom threw the bombshell that we’ll be shifting to Islamabad. We as-in her and my brother. As September rolled around the corner, the packing had started and on Sep 22, they moved to Isb, while i started my bachelor life in earnest, after getting a room here. I also got a roommate to boot, who isnt really that annoying, hence not bloggable.

During the year, we also had about 5 hospital emergencies with my paternal grandparents, out of which four ended up with them being admitted and one with my maternal grandfather. Not a good year on that side.

This year saw the first shadi in my maternal family after 25 years as well. The last being my mother’s. That was one hell of an event, two weeks of rocking and rolling. Her husband is a nice guy, and i like him. My niece Aaminah turned one this year (with her bday celebrated just after Eid ul Fitr) and Sharjeel turned Two. They moved with their parents to Ajman as well, since their father got a job there, so thats a bummer. But it gives me an incentive to go visit the emirates soon.

Over on the job front, i got two raises, one on being confirmed, and one on the end-of-year appraisals thinghy. Grew a bit professionally, learned new stuff, handled new clients. Its always exhilarating. Got a chance to be a professional trainer, was taken out of it as well, since im too young for that. Gained a lot of pounds (not sterling sadly), and now serious about taking them off. (Even today a friend commented i had gained a few pounds since she last saw me!! aarrgghh ). Got serious about submitting my thesis towards the end.. and plan to send it off in the first month of 2007.

Joined Karachi Metblogs as an author, then as a Co-Captain, got an invitation to write on Pakistaniat which i have yet to use. Bought my own domain and hosting. Joined up again with Happening Karachi! The one group which i thought was dead, is still alive and rocking!

Even though its now all in the past, its been one hell of a journey. Made many new friends, had to loose a few old ones… had a change of lifestyle… viewed the same city from a different angle…

Now, its time to move on, forge ahead into the future! Create my destiny and carve my niche in the world. Beware 2007 for Mansoor is HERE!

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annoy

Who’s the most annoying person in the world, i thought the other day…

Not that i was particularly missing my brother that much, but still. :-D Its hard to accept… but the bugger was a big part of my life. It just isnt the same without him there everyday… taking stuff… acting like the cliched little bro… and generally doing everything he wants cuz big bro will be there to take care of it if he messes up.

Him moving away was good in some respects as well, i guess. He’s growing up finally, coming into his own, because for the longest i used to think i was overshadowing him.

Im actually looking forward to going 2 see him this Eid!

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bukharish

That was one cold day yesterday, what will all the rain and everything. As with any seasonal change, i felt kind of down during the night.. and in the morning, felt weak so slept again. This is what transpired when i got to office this morning

him: mansoor, lagta hai aapka phir say late aana shroo horaha hai
me: sir, i was sick in the morning.. feeling bukharish, slept again and was right as rain (excuse the pun) when i got up at 11.
him: bukharish?? that a new illness??
me: uumm… no, its like feverish.. only in urdu… rather urdish

i could almost feel him rolling his eyes at me when i came out of his office and back to my seat….

update: this entry has just been promoted to a blogword entry. The concept this week was ‘invent a word’ so my new word is now… bukharish! I’m getting telephatic or something i think now. lol

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really

Life’s really weird!

And that just the way i like it. Its the “not knowing” about it that makes it all the more appealing. You plan, and you organize, and you plan some more.. then something comes along and dashes all those plans.

And yet.. you survive.

Yea… life’s definately weird!

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secret

SSShhhhhH!

I cant tell you this….. because its a secret.

Secrets.. they bring us together.. and they take us apart.

How dare you keep such a big secret from me!! Why did i have to learn about it from someone else!!! she said.. Should i have told her i couldnt because i couldnt bring myself to utter those words to her? Couldnt bear to see the hurt in her eyes?

You keep my secret… and just maybe… i’ll keep yours! Mutually assured destruction?

Blood brothers.. sharing a secret agenda! Sadly.. not a secret anymore… but it was fun while it lasted!

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