so till the return, here’s me saying..”smile a little bit everyday, it makes the drudgery a little bit easier to bear”

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The weekend past was an interesting one. It gave me something i’ve craved for quite sometime now, infact craved since i’ve moved to Islamabad. An intellectual discourse on absolutely nothing! Its amazing how just talking about nothing can relieve a lot of stresses. Also, i got to take in a play by Ajoka called Hotel Mohenjodaro.

Written in 1968, set in the early twentieth century, the story revolves around Pakistan being one of the first nations to land a person on the moon. This is followed by celebrations and jubilation, till a mullah in a remote tribal village decries the whole episode as unislamic, and starts a movement to overthrow government and setup an Islamic state. This eventually leads to civil war, and all hell breaks loose, until we are invaded by another country.

In other words, what happened in Afghanistan. What was chilling about the whole story was just how real it was to what is happening today in FATA and Afghanistan, where Islamic states run by clerics who cant see eye to eye and end up mistrusting first foreigners and then each other eventually ruin the lives of their people. Quite eye opening.

The end of the play was a tourist on a camel travelling along the desert where the guide excitedly
tells them that this is the site where the hotel mohenjodaro stood in its heyday, before moving on to other things. The director then came up on stage and what he said really resonated well with me. He told us that if we didn’t like the ending, then we still have a chance to change it and make sure it doesn’t happen.

The next event i went to was a reading, organized by the Desi Writers Lounge. This is where i got to talk about nothings. The event had four items, (one by yours truly), which were read by the respective authors and then critiqued by the group. Among the questions were why did we write it, what did we mean by it and why did we choose the words we did. It was quite intense and the feedback we got (or atleast i got) made me realize there are quite a few other ways of looking at pieces and that effective writing, specially story writing, must be successful in creating the same image in the readers mind, as in the writers mind. Specific imagery was discussed, such as the use of a particular brand of cigarette and what it says about the character and the likeness of wisps of clouds to the strands of hair dangling over the forehead. I must say, i learned a lot more about writing from this one session than any class or book i’ve ever read.

Islamabad is slowly waking up, and slowly i am finding the world being represented within it.

…

okay, fine… so poetry really isn’t my forte. sue me

however, the start is exactly what i love about blogging and having that select group of people to interact with on here. its different, its exciting and its quite mind boggling at times. the creativity that blogging offers a person, whether you write about your personal life, your work, or even something you’re passionate about is something which just cannot be replaced.

creativity, i believe, is seriously what makes the world go round. its what makes life worth living, its what makes waking up each day and not knowing what lies ahead so much fun! creativity is essentially what life is. its change, its ruffling up the feathers, its a kaleidoscope…

and if nothing else, it provides for many of the interesting experiences that truly shape up what kind of a person you are. so go ahead, be creative! and whatever you do… dont ever let anyone judge you!

to put my money where my mouth is… here’s my stab at (creative) poetry… ala 70s style~

chahtay hain tumko, kyonkay chahna hee aata hai humko
per jaanay kyon, na chahtay bhee khona perta hai tumko
chahat hai mere, kay tum mein sama jaaon poorey tarah
phir kyon ye chahat mere le gaye tum say door itna?

(yes, UD, i agree with you now)

So, in the spirit of letting me be me, i’ve finally decided to get a bit more social around here. Islamabad has, much to my astonishment, quite a vibrant arts and cultural scene going on. With everyday news of a gallery exhibition, a theater play or a get together reaching me via the news papers or online resources.

This weekend, i’ve jam packed myself with activities, from seeing a play, to going to a meeting, and to attending a reading… its all there! Yayy! plus, i might also be going hiking! that’s definitely something to look forward to!

Watch out Islamabad! Mansoor is back on the scene!

Also, i realized that this new *social* me came exactly one year after my last resolve to be more social. When i disclosed this fact to my mother, the one thing she had to say (God bless her!) was “well, atleast the last time was fun and exciting! It will be this time around as well!” how’s that for maternal support!!

Now i just have to go and write something to read at the reading….

call it writers block or lack of enthusiasm, but its been quite sometime since i wrote anything anywhere and its getting to me now. the thing is, i want to write, and i’ve got these huge ideas in my head and want to put them down on paper, but every time i try, i get side tracked!

so this post is essentially a try to get out of that slump!

thank you all of you for your comments on my previous post… there are, however, some clarifications i’d like to present.

1) it wasn’t the first breakup i’ve had.
2) it wasn’t the worst breakup i’ve had either
3) it wasn’t the fact that we split which is getting to me

what really was getting to me was the fact that in breaking up the engagement, i had put my parents through an emotional roller coaster, especially my father, who uptil the point of receiving the call, wasn’t even aware anything was happening. till that moment, all he probably thought that he was lucky to get such a good daughter-in-law… the look on his face when i went home that evening… THAT is what bugged me.

sid said that make sure you have no unresolved feelings and no unanswered questions… sid, everything is unresolved at this point, because communication was broken up entirely and i didn’t get anything said to me by anyone from their side. that, in itself, is something which is getting to me.

i’ve had a variety of breakups in the past, and even though each new one isn’t any less painful, it is actually easier to deal with them now. the only thing which gets to me is the point i mentioned above, making my parents go through it.

what else…..

oh yea, we had another bomb blast this morning. the windows of my office shook and i was a little shocked, upon investigation, i saw a cloud of smoke rising up from a distance… funny thing is, the moment the brain registered it was a blast, life went back to being normal. i looked around, some people looked at the smoke pillar, then went about their own business, some shopped, some parked, while others smoked and laughed. even i returned to mundane tasks and barely gave any thought to it till my father called to inquire about my whereabouts.

such is life… it really does not stop for anyone.

p.s. iiiiimmmm bbbbaaaaaaacccccckkkkkk!!! (well, almost!)

which isn’t entirely incorrect in my case.

i was happy… happier than i’ve been in a long time. so much so, that i was willing to do anything…but to quote meatloaf…  ‘i would do anything for love… but i wont do that‘. though i’m sure we (meatloaf and i) mean separate things, the jist would be the same.

people have one chance in their lifetime to find true love, their ’soul mates’, the one who would complete them. some do.. and some spend a lifetime searching and yet they dont find them.

then there are ones like myself… who not only find them, but manage to loose them because of who they are. what irony wouldn’t you say? a soulmate, a part of who you are, doesn’t want to be with you, cant even stand the thought of listening to you. i mean… seriously?!

this post might seem like self pity at this point, but i believe its a bit more. its the warrant i’ve signed for myself to a life of ‘non-existent’ in the love department…

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i think love is over-rated.

to those who’ve decided to move on with their lives, i have a toast! “to your future health, wealth and happiness! may i also have the mental acuity and the strength to follow”.

“children on the road dont call you uncle just because you look older…. its because you are old!”

its been a roller coaster ride so far. i have to say i am the luckiest guy on this earth to have parents who would give so much to see their kids happy. and also the luckiest that i had the sense not to choose others over them.

this year, my birthday was again celebrated in murree, in what is quickly becoming tradition. a weekend of relaxation, hiking, fresh mountain air, breath taking views and sharp chilly wind was just what the doctor ordered! and it was totally worth the nausea to get up there (i have motion sickness…)

this year was supposed to be a good one, by the grace of God, it is pretty much still! give or take one incident which pretty much changed the course of life…

still, im glad it happened… the cracked magical mirror was actually telling the future… how could we have been so naive…

I read this on a Bank Alfalah Calendar i received recently. The calendar is an ode to Saadeqain, one of the great artists of our country, and this verse comes alongside one of his paintings intended to bring the piece to life.

Even though i dont think about it too much, there are times when that feeling overwhelms me and threatens even my sanity. The quick, clean nature of the transaction did not help, if anything, it helped reinforce my reasons for staying away from commitments.

I hope that someday, i’ll get an answer from her… to whether being right and not giving in on one crucial subject was worth it.

the dialogs exchanged were something of the following, after a major decision of purchasing a mattress, amber wanted the hard one while wilson wanted the soft one and just as they were coming to decision amber had to leave and told wilson to get whatever one he wanted. later that night, while ‘test driving’ their new mattress…

amber: “you got the one i wanted”

wilson: “yes, i did”

amber: “why?”

wilson: “what do you mean?”

amber: “i told you to get which ever one you wanted, i meant which ever one you wanted, not get what i wanted”

wilson: “so? i like doing this for you, i love you”

amber: “no, this is what you did with your previous wives, you keep on doing things for them and the resentment keeps building up inside you, till you end up in a divorce! i’ll be damned if this happened to me too”

and just like that i realized why so many of my relationships ended on the same note… i, like wilson, kept doing everything for the other person and around the other person, literally loosing myself in them. i kept building up this expectation in them that everything i would do would be for them without question. until i burst from having an unfulfilled expectation within me that they would do something for me… which is where the resentment would start to build up…

and after days, months or even years of resentment… the feelings of love and tenderness would turn cold and replaced with something very close to hatred…

… who said watching TV shows wasn’t therapeutic!

So april has ended and that too on a very hectic note!

I had two trainings this month, one in Lahore and one in Islamabad. The good thing is, both of them happened successfully and we managed to scrape up enough participants to not go in the red! Even though lahore had three times the people we did here in isloo!

What that left me with, however, was exhaustion! The likes of which i have never felt before! By the time the training in lahore was over, i was feeling like someone had tied a 10 ton anvil to my ankles and forcing me to move around. On top of that, i had to catch a daewoo back home, and 4 hours of sitting awkwardly wasn’t much fun either.

To add insult to injury, or rather more injury to insult, I had bought new shoes for the Lahore course! which, being what new shoes are, left me with blisters! (I HATE NEW SHOES!!!). On both my feet, i’ve now got these big, liquid oozing bubbles which i keep on bursting and draining and which miraculously, keep on fixing themselves and re-inflating!

The next training was one day later, and this time, i didn’t wear the new shoes, but rather my trusty old ones. By the end of it, i knew i was way past being tired and exhausted and was now running on pure adrenaline.
So much so that on the drive back home, i almost crashed into the car in front of me (a cultus i believe) nearly 4 times! (he noticed and suffice it to say, gave me a really cold look when we parted ways)

Once home, i was looking forward to some shuteye as the parents were going out to dinner. After chatting with dad for sometime, i was about to pick up my things and head upstairs… when the hostess for the evening called and informed my father that the invitation was now “with family” and to please bring their son (the now adrenaline running poor old me) as well! Normally, i would’ve said no and gone to sleep, but this particular party was being held at….wait for it…. PIR SOHAWA! more specifically at the new Monal restaurant there! Now i knew there was no way i was going to pass up an opportunity to a) go to pir sohawa, since i hadn’t yet been up there.. and b) free food!!! so i picked myself up, changed and got in the car!

And that is where i had the discussion with the 13 year old, who just happened to be the daughter of our hostess!

And it was worth every word of it! till next time… cheers!